The Last Six Months

If you hang out around physicists long enough, you eventually hear the theory that time is not linear...in other words, time can speed up or slow down depending on other factors. I don't really believe that theory (or most scientific theories), because physicists have beady eyes, greasy hair, and a proven track record of lying to the public. When was the last time you tripped over some dark matter, or fell into a black hole, or saw any real evidence of gravity? Exactly. It's all smoke and mirrors. But after the last six months I'm starting to believe this theory about time. It seems like June was just yesterday, when I was happily updataing my blog and complaining about the weather being too nice. Now suddenly it's November, the weather has changed to that awesome mix of cold rain and wind that Bostonians love so much, and the Oilers are well into what promises to be an embarassing season of losing to everyone and their backup goalies.

I guess a lot has happened in the past six months. I got married, the Red Sox won the World Series (with zero riot-related fatalities this time), I found out what it's like to work 85 hours a week (it's awesome), Karl Rove resigned, Scott and Jen had the CUTEST BABY EVER, and the world did not sink beneath the oceans while sharks devoured us all. Yet. Now I can only hope that the next twelve months go as fast as the last six...if everything goes according to plan, I'll be finishing my life as a student / feudalistic serf and re-entering the real world as a corporate sellout by next December. There HAS to be a huge job market for people who make lasers and know stuff about cancer but aren't sure what "remittance" or "due diligence" or "net present value" mean.

Well, that's about it for now. (*** start standard empty promise made by all amateur bloggers that is never, ever kept ***) Hopefully I'll have time to update more regularly now that work has calmed down a little bit. (*** end standard empty promise made by all amateur bloggers that is never, ever kept ***)

PS: The global economy will soon implode as every American house is repossessed by the banks and sold to China in exchange for lead-covered childrens' toys. TOXIC MOULD.

I Blame Stuff

So here it is, the beginning of June, and it's become apparent that I haven't posted anything on here for over a month! Since I grew up in the 1980's and 90's I am incapable of accepting responsibility for my own actions, instead viewing myself as a victim and distributing blame to everything and everyone else that I can think of. Here are the top three reasons that I haven't been blogging lately. One reaon that you will not find on the list is that I'm lazy and uninspired, and am spending all of my free time trying to figure out how to get the junior students in the lab to do my work for me.

1. The government. This one is a perennial favourite amongst Canadians...you see, I am a member of a disadvantaged demographic that has historically been mistreated and oppressed by everyone else in the country if not the world. 600 years ago, Steven Harper's great great great great great grandfather's older brother Jebediah stole my great great great great great grandfather Karl's charcoal and papyrus by cheating in a game of croquet. This one heinous act set in motion a cycle of unfairness whereby all descendants of Karl were denied access to the writing implements necessary for scribbling down instructions on how to not get eaten by grizzly bears, and, by extension, the implements necessary for modern-day blogging. I have therefore been unable to blog effectively because the government has failed to compensate me for the present value of the charcoal and papyrus that were stolen from my ancestors...I estimate the fair value to be $8 billion, but am willing to accept Southern Ontario and all the parts of Alberta containing oil instead. And don't try to pawn Saskatchewan off on me...everyone knows you can't blog with wheat.

2. My parents. On the outside, it may seem like I had an "ideal" childhood...two parents to put food on the table, a little sister to play with, and a guarantee of cake several times per year. But what nobody else saw was what happened when I tried to express my inner blogger at an early age by scribbing all over the walls in permanent marker. My parents, obviously not schooled in modern child pyschology or parentology, would PUNISH ME! By doing things like sending me to my room! Or making me clean up the mess! Clearly, these early experiences were so traumatic and scarring that I can never again be expected to be a productive member of the blogosphere. As a side note, I also blame my little sister for turning into a much much better writer than me, further crushing my meagre blogging aspirations beneath the unstoppable force of her personal media juggernaut.

3. Lolcats. OK, seriously, have you seen these things? How can any decent human being be expected to blog when there are lolcats and lolruses being openly displayed on the internet for everyone to see! The hilariousness of the lolcats (and related lolpresidents) is completely unreasonable, and is probably leading to the downfall of Western civilization. I now demand that the government (which I previously blamed mercillesly) protect us from our own inability to select what we watch on the internet and TV! What if my nonexistant children were exposed to lolcats while doing a harmless internet search for "Louis Riel" or "directions for making potato clocks?" I am just not emotionally or grammatically ready to have a discussion on the meaning of lolcats with them yet, even though I am not actually a parent and don't have any friends who are parents either.

PS: I am concerned that Annie may soon get an H1B visa and become eligible for the new "draft all the foreigners currently standing in our country so we can totally invade Iran's ass" program. Also, drug-resitant tuberculosis being spread by personal injury lawyers on international airline flights will destroy all human and animal life next week.

What the Hell is Facebook?

So about a week ago Annie was talking about how this friend of hers asked her to join Facebook, and suddenly there were all of these people "friending" her. My first reaction was "what the hell is Facebook?" and my second reaction was "it sounds super nerdy, how do I sign up?" So I joined, and am still learning the ropes, but here's what I've learned so far.

1. EVERYBODY on the planet is on this damn thing, including friends you made in grade 4 while conspiring to steal the girls' art supplies before recess.

2. People will find you and "friend" you at an unreasonably high rate. When people that you haven't talked to in 5 or 10 years add you, you're obligated to update each other on your lives but you've only got a few lines to do it, so it's always goes something like "uhhh I moved to <insert random location very far away from where you last saw them> then got a job at <insert surprising job that you never thought that person would do> and now I'm really into <insert hilarious hobby like miming historical figures from the Civil War era>.

3. I still honestly don't know what you're supposed to do with Facebook...it's not a blog, it's not a personal web site...it seems mostly like a way to increase the narcisism factor in your life. One time I gave my sister a virtual flaming paper bag as a gift, which is the most useful thing I've done so far on Facebook.

4. Sometimes your friends have links to their personal blogs, like this one, which makes you wonder about their emotional stability and gives you the urge to send them sandwiches, just so you know they're eating at least one good meal a day.

So far that's all I know...I'll keep you posted as I delve deeper into this new social experiment.

PS: Yesterday I killed two silverfish in my damn office. Stupid warm weather, hatching all the eggs...

Many Many Many Korean Pictures

Hey everybody...so after looking at all of our pictures from Korea, I realized that publishing them on my blog probably wasn't the most effective way to share with everybody. So I made a web album in Picasa instead! Now if you want to have a look at the pictures, you can just go here to browse through them all. Enjoy!

LOOOUUUUD NOISES!

So we're back from Korea and if I had to sum up this amazing trip with one phrase, that's what it would be! Korean culture is definitely different from North American culture in some ways, but I was a little bit surprised at how many similarities there are as well. One big difference is directness...Koreans will tell you exactly what they think of you whether it's positive or negative, which can (to North Americans) end up seeming hilarious, flattering, embarrassing, or rude depending on the circumstances. There also seems to be some differences between acceptable volume levels for "inside voices", as well as the acceptable number of people who can be simultaneously talking at the same time during a conversation. But somehow it works for them!

The similarities are even more striking...the importance of family, the desire for guests to feel welcome and comfortable, patriotism, and the pursuit of education are all very important to Koreans. In fact I'd say that most Koreans take these things much more seriously than most North Americans. During the entire trip Annie's family was incredibly generous and hospitable to us, and was always very concerned that we were warm / comfy / rested / happy / full enough. That last one was especially true...Koreans seem to love food, and I loved eating it! We had some truly great meals, but I won't dwell on that one since I'm sure Annie's blog will cover the food in detail (with pictures)! Instead I guess I'll talk about some of the most interesting things to me that I found out about Korea during this trip...this may have to be a multi-part blog though since there was so much to see!

The Environment

Koreans don't live in harmony with nature...they're locked in a 5000-year-old struggle with it for survival. Since 70% of the country is mountainous, the fruit and rice fields are cut into the slopes in terrain that would boggle the mind of a Saskatchewan farmer. The fact that South Korea grows enough surplus food to send aid to North Korea after feeding its own 48 million residents is pretty amazing, and really illustrates the hard-working nature of the people. The cold climate also explains why the food is so spicy and most meals (including breakfast!) have some sort of soup or stew.

The farming town near where Annie's brother's wedding was held. In the background you can see crops planted half way up the hillside.

Their History
Korean history goes back a long time, since people have continuously inhabited the Han river region for thousands of years. So the people are proud of their past, but are also very driven to succeed in the modern world. A good example of this is Seoul...the Seoul region contains around 23 million people (almost the population of Canada) within a radius of 80 km (smaller than Prince Edward Island), but has all kinds of historical treasures like the five royal palaces built by previous emperors before the Japanese occupation. We showed up for a tour at Changdeokgung just after closing time, but Annie's aunts argued / pleaded with the officials to let us in because we came all the way from Canada. After a few attempts, they succeeded and we got inside! Another case of Korean hospitality! Seoul also has a huge national museum (which we got a whirlwind visit to), a war museum, and a ton of other cultural attractions that will have to wait until our next visit.

Maing gate of Changdeokgung, one of the old palaces in Seoul. The huge park inside the gates would be worth billions to developers, but it's preserved to keep Korean history alive.

Modern Seoul

Alongside the history of Seoul is an energetic, modern city that is amazingly clean considering the population density. Actually Seoul is cleaner than most parts of Boston, and the subway is a joy to ride compared to the grime and crazy homeless people on the Boston T. There are enormous 60- and 70-story apartment complexes, endless restaurants, and of course shopping. Koreans (except for one of Annie's uncles) love shopping! We spent a lot of time finding this out first-hand, at places like the ultra-fancy Lotte World uber-mall as well as the open air Namdaemun market. People in Seoul work very long hours to pay for all the shopping...10-hour days are pretty standard, with 12-hour days not being too unusual. Maybe I should stop complaining about how tough it is being a graduate student...

One of the entrances to Lotte World. Imagine West Edmonton Mall, but without the wavepark, and with more super-high-end stores that only sell "small" and "extra small".

Namdaemun market, which is crammed with clothing, souvenir, and food vendors. Mmmm, spicy rice cakes!

Well that's all for now...more pictures from the trip later, I promise!

I'm Huge in Tehran

As an ivory-tower head-in-the-clouds academic-type person, one of the nicest complements that you can receive is having another researcher ask for more information about your work. There are moments (or months) when you really wonder if what you're doing is having an impact on science, if anyone is really reading your publications, or if you're just toiling away for $10 an hour on a bunch of crap that is totally inconsequential to everything and everyone else on the planet. So having other people ask you more about your research, and (even better) having other people ask if you could help them incorporate what you've done into their work, really makes you feel good.

Unless they're a bunch of Iranians. Yup, the only people that are interested in my old work from Round 1 in grad school are a group of sketchy characters from the "Tehran Technical University." I keep getting emails from these guys, asking if I can send them the computer code that I wrote to remove noise from our medical images. The emails usually go something like this (no exaggeration):

"Dear mr desmond, my name are Mohammed Istanfazur, student for masters degree science in Tehran Technical University. Your works are the technically and joyous for take out the noise. We would like to also do this thing, for look at the babies or the eye retina. I have tried tried, and have a progress, but have a problem with a step. Please, could you send original code? We keep the confidential and not distribute it. I would be grateful and if you could send, help us a lot. Please send. Yours, Mohammed."

I've gotten three almost identical requests from this school for the same code in the last few months...it's pretty funny, because (a) their grammar is awesome (b) Iran isn't exactly known for its cutting-edge optical coherence tomography research (c) their email addresses are always gmail or hotmail acccounts (d) the "Tehran Technical University" website is 75% broken links and window dressing (e) they're all named Mohammed!

The other funny thing (well kinda) is that the imaging that our lab does is similar to synthetic aperture radar, which is used for satellite reconassaince and military air-search radars. Soooo...if a bunch of guys from Iran ask me to send them an advanced computer algorithm that could be used for enhancing military imagery, what is the correct response? Well I might disagree with a lot of the policies of the current US government, but hey I don't want to get deported!

"Dear Mr. Istanfazur, thank you for your email. I am glad that you've found my work useful. Unfortunately I cannot distribute computer code since this is the policy of our lab. Perhaps you could work together with the other two people from your institution who have also recently contacted me. Together I'm sure you could overcome your difficulties. Good luck. Des"

And if that doesn't work I've always found it useful to blame the American imperialist military-industrial complex, burn a few flags, and declare jihad on the computer. Computer bugs are known to surrender when faced with jihad.

New-ish Stragedy for Un Failure

January 28, 2007 - Boston, Massachusetts. At an outdoor barbeque sauce cook-off on the front lawn of the White House, the President today unveiled a bold new strategy for turning the tide in the War to Make Des Buy Larger Pants. Speaking while perched precariously in the back of his '84 Dodge pickup truck, which was also parked on the front lawn next to the sauce vats, the President announced that he would be deploying a "surge" of 21,500 additional calories immediately to the battlefield. The plan has sparked controversy due to the spectacular/comical failure of every one of the President's previous plans, to which the new plan bears a shocking resemblance. The President attempted to explain the finer details of the new "surge" plan in between bites of back ribs and swigs of Bud Lite.

"The new calories will be stragedically directed to important-like areas of Des's body. Of the 21,500 calories, 17,000 will be composed of rye whiskey and will be deployed to his ass. I think rye whiskey is good, because that's what Cheney told me to say. Heh heh heh. The remaining 2,640 calories will be composed of cake. Everyone likes cake. Even Osama and Hillary Clinton like cake, and they're the devil. The cake will be deployed to his stomach. This two-pronged thing will work, and will ensure that Americans are safe and secure by making Des buy bigger pants."

When a member of the press pointed out that 17,000 plus 2,640 is significantly less than 21,500, the President responded by yelling "look over there! Terrorists!" and then making his escape on a golf cart driven by Charlton Heston. Democrats, outraged by the the plan's low chances of success, immediately responded by passing a non-binding resolution politely asking the President to please try to take more naps.

In a videotape released on a militant website known to operate as a front for Des and his pants, Des issued the following statement. "I wish this jerk would just leave me and my ass alone! This is just like that time he launched an air raid on The Netherlands for helping Spring back in 2006...except now I'm the victim, not those weird Dutch people with their windmills and pancakes and tulips. Man!"

In other news, the world will soon sink beneath the ocean as global warming melts the ice caps and sharks devour us all.