Alert Level Magenta! MAGENTA!

Boston, Massachusetts - May 6, 2006

UPDATE: As Spring continues it's insidious and unpredictable spread throughout New England, the U.S. government has raised the national Holy Shit level from Burnt Orange to Magenta. The colour-coded warning system is designed to provide citizens with an easy-to-understand assesment of exactly how terrified they should be on any given day, with the lowest level Paisley corresponding to "you are somewhat unlikely to be killed today, but double-bolt the doors and seal your house with plastic wrap just to be safe" and the highest level Eggshell corresponding to "immenent death and destruction, unless you elect a Republican." Magenta, the current level, indicates that "they could strike at any time, anywhere, with any weapon, but we don't know when, or where, or who they are, but it's really really bad."

This troubling development comes in response to a recent resurgence by Spring, which had been driven back amid a series of cold, depressing rain showers throughout Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Just two weeks ago, following his weekly grammar briefing and nap time, President Bush had gone on the air telling the world that Spring was "on the run", crediting the invasion of Iraq for the success against Spring. The President also linked the invasion to lower nation-wide circus ticket prices, a rise in the number of late-night Taco Bell drive thru locations, and an overall feeling of awesomeness that can only come from pouring hundreds of billions of dollars into the desert.

However with reality inconsiderately contradicting the President's statements that Spring would be "hunted down and brought to justice, Judge Judy style", the administration had no chance but to react with further measures. In addition to replacing the White House chief of staff, deputy chief of staff, press secretary, secretary of the treasury, and director of the CIA with a series of country singers, Texas BBQ chefs, and a rodeo clown, the President also instructed the Pentagon to draw up plans for air strikes on Belgium. The President's new press secretary, Mr. Goofy Shoes the Rodeo Clown, explained that "everyone knows Spring is being given safe haven in Belgium, which has a long and evil history of doing all kinds of bad and un-American things...like that time they started World War 2, or when they tried to beat usat olympic basketball." Apparently, economic and political sanctions were briefly considered to force Belgium to comply with demands to stop aiding and abetting the spread of Spring, but in the end the military option won out since it's way harder to make a Fox miniseries about sanctions.