New-ish Stragedy for Un Failure
January 28, 2007 - Boston, Massachusetts. At an outdoor barbeque sauce cook-off on the front lawn of the White House, the President today unveiled a bold new strategy for turning the tide in the War to Make Des Buy Larger Pants. Speaking while perched precariously in the back of his '84 Dodge pickup truck, which was also parked on the front lawn next to the sauce vats, the President announced that he would be deploying a "surge" of 21,500 additional calories immediately to the battlefield. The plan has sparked controversy due to the spectacular/comical failure of every one of the President's previous plans, to which the new plan bears a shocking resemblance. The President attempted to explain the finer details of the new "surge" plan in between bites of back ribs and swigs of Bud Lite.
"The new calories will be stragedically directed to important-like areas of Des's body. Of the 21,500 calories, 17,000 will be composed of rye whiskey and will be deployed to his ass. I think rye whiskey is good, because that's what Cheney told me to say. Heh heh heh. The remaining 2,640 calories will be composed of cake. Everyone likes cake. Even Osama and Hillary Clinton like cake, and they're the devil. The cake will be deployed to his stomach. This two-pronged thing will work, and will ensure that Americans are safe and secure by making Des buy bigger pants."
When a member of the press pointed out that 17,000 plus 2,640 is significantly less than 21,500, the President responded by yelling "look over there! Terrorists!" and then making his escape on a golf cart driven by Charlton Heston. Democrats, outraged by the the plan's low chances of success, immediately responded by passing a non-binding resolution politely asking the President to please try to take more naps.
In a videotape released on a militant website known to operate as a front for Des and his pants, Des issued the following statement. "I wish this jerk would just leave me and my ass alone! This is just like that time he launched an air raid on The Netherlands for helping Spring back in 2006...except now I'm the victim, not those weird Dutch people with their windmills and pancakes and tulips. Man!"
In other news, the world will soon sink beneath the ocean as global warming melts the ice caps and sharks devour us all.
"The new calories will be stragedically directed to important-like areas of Des's body. Of the 21,500 calories, 17,000 will be composed of rye whiskey and will be deployed to his ass. I think rye whiskey is good, because that's what Cheney told me to say. Heh heh heh. The remaining 2,640 calories will be composed of cake. Everyone likes cake. Even Osama and Hillary Clinton like cake, and they're the devil. The cake will be deployed to his stomach. This two-pronged thing will work, and will ensure that Americans are safe and secure by making Des buy bigger pants."
When a member of the press pointed out that 17,000 plus 2,640 is significantly less than 21,500, the President responded by yelling "look over there! Terrorists!" and then making his escape on a golf cart driven by Charlton Heston. Democrats, outraged by the the plan's low chances of success, immediately responded by passing a non-binding resolution politely asking the President to please try to take more naps.
In a videotape released on a militant website known to operate as a front for Des and his pants, Des issued the following statement. "I wish this jerk would just leave me and my ass alone! This is just like that time he launched an air raid on The Netherlands for helping Spring back in 2006...except now I'm the victim, not those weird Dutch people with their windmills and pancakes and tulips. Man!"
In other news, the world will soon sink beneath the ocean as global warming melts the ice caps and sharks devour us all.
posted by Dexter at
12:01 p.m.
2 Comments:
The Dutch have pancakes?
By
Unknown, at 10:37 a.m.
They sure do. But they call them something weird and fruity, like pannecoeken or something. They traditionally eat them in windmills while throwing wooden shoes at each other and pumping water out of their basements.
By
Dexter, at 6:15 a.m.
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