I Blame Stuff
So here it is, the beginning of June, and it's become apparent that I haven't posted anything on here for over a month! Since I grew up in the 1980's and 90's I am incapable of accepting responsibility for my own actions, instead viewing myself as a victim and distributing blame to everything and everyone else that I can think of. Here are the top three reasons that I haven't been blogging lately. One reaon that you will not find on the list is that I'm lazy and uninspired, and am spending all of my free time trying to figure out how to get the junior students in the lab to do my work for me.
1. The government. This one is a perennial favourite amongst Canadians...you see, I am a member of a disadvantaged demographic that has historically been mistreated and oppressed by everyone else in the country if not the world. 600 years ago, Steven Harper's great great great great great grandfather's older brother Jebediah stole my great great great great great grandfather Karl's charcoal and papyrus by cheating in a game of croquet. This one heinous act set in motion a cycle of unfairness whereby all descendants of Karl were denied access to the writing implements necessary for scribbling down instructions on how to not get eaten by grizzly bears, and, by extension, the implements necessary for modern-day blogging. I have therefore been unable to blog effectively because the government has failed to compensate me for the present value of the charcoal and papyrus that were stolen from my ancestors...I estimate the fair value to be $8 billion, but am willing to accept Southern Ontario and all the parts of Alberta containing oil instead. And don't try to pawn Saskatchewan off on me...everyone knows you can't blog with wheat.
2. My parents. On the outside, it may seem like I had an "ideal" childhood...two parents to put food on the table, a little sister to play with, and a guarantee of cake several times per year. But what nobody else saw was what happened when I tried to express my inner blogger at an early age by scribbing all over the walls in permanent marker. My parents, obviously not schooled in modern child pyschology or parentology, would PUNISH ME! By doing things like sending me to my room! Or making me clean up the mess! Clearly, these early experiences were so traumatic and scarring that I can never again be expected to be a productive member of the blogosphere. As a side note, I also blame my little sister for turning into a much much better writer than me, further crushing my meagre blogging aspirations beneath the unstoppable force of her personal media juggernaut.
3. Lolcats. OK, seriously, have you seen these things? How can any decent human being be expected to blog when there are lolcats and lolruses being openly displayed on the internet for everyone to see! The hilariousness of the lolcats (and related lolpresidents) is completely unreasonable, and is probably leading to the downfall of Western civilization. I now demand that the government (which I previously blamed mercillesly) protect us from our own inability to select what we watch on the internet and TV! What if my nonexistant children were exposed to lolcats while doing a harmless internet search for "Louis Riel" or "directions for making potato clocks?" I am just not emotionally or grammatically ready to have a discussion on the meaning of lolcats with them yet, even though I am not actually a parent and don't have any friends who are parents either.
PS: I am concerned that Annie may soon get an H1B visa and become eligible for the new "draft all the foreigners currently standing in our country so we can totally invade Iran's ass" program. Also, drug-resitant tuberculosis being spread by personal injury lawyers on international airline flights will destroy all human and animal life next week.
1. The government. This one is a perennial favourite amongst Canadians...you see, I am a member of a disadvantaged demographic that has historically been mistreated and oppressed by everyone else in the country if not the world. 600 years ago, Steven Harper's great great great great great grandfather's older brother Jebediah stole my great great great great great grandfather Karl's charcoal and papyrus by cheating in a game of croquet. This one heinous act set in motion a cycle of unfairness whereby all descendants of Karl were denied access to the writing implements necessary for scribbling down instructions on how to not get eaten by grizzly bears, and, by extension, the implements necessary for modern-day blogging. I have therefore been unable to blog effectively because the government has failed to compensate me for the present value of the charcoal and papyrus that were stolen from my ancestors...I estimate the fair value to be $8 billion, but am willing to accept Southern Ontario and all the parts of Alberta containing oil instead. And don't try to pawn Saskatchewan off on me...everyone knows you can't blog with wheat.
2. My parents. On the outside, it may seem like I had an "ideal" childhood...two parents to put food on the table, a little sister to play with, and a guarantee of cake several times per year. But what nobody else saw was what happened when I tried to express my inner blogger at an early age by scribbing all over the walls in permanent marker. My parents, obviously not schooled in modern child pyschology or parentology, would PUNISH ME! By doing things like sending me to my room! Or making me clean up the mess! Clearly, these early experiences were so traumatic and scarring that I can never again be expected to be a productive member of the blogosphere. As a side note, I also blame my little sister for turning into a much much better writer than me, further crushing my meagre blogging aspirations beneath the unstoppable force of her personal media juggernaut.
3. Lolcats. OK, seriously, have you seen these things? How can any decent human being be expected to blog when there are lolcats and lolruses being openly displayed on the internet for everyone to see! The hilariousness of the lolcats (and related lolpresidents) is completely unreasonable, and is probably leading to the downfall of Western civilization. I now demand that the government (which I previously blamed mercillesly) protect us from our own inability to select what we watch on the internet and TV! What if my nonexistant children were exposed to lolcats while doing a harmless internet search for "Louis Riel" or "directions for making potato clocks?" I am just not emotionally or grammatically ready to have a discussion on the meaning of lolcats with them yet, even though I am not actually a parent and don't have any friends who are parents either.
PS: I am concerned that Annie may soon get an H1B visa and become eligible for the new "draft all the foreigners currently standing in our country so we can totally invade Iran's ass" program. Also, drug-resitant tuberculosis being spread by personal injury lawyers on international airline flights will destroy all human and animal life next week.
posted by Dexter at
7:49 a.m.
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