Ammunition Day

So it's the first long weekend of the summer here in the U.S., and as always I was having a hard time remebering the name of the holiday on Friday. Luckily my helpful officemate reminded me that it's Memorial Day...when I asked him what we were supposed to be memorializing (memorizing?), I wasn't too surprised when he said "soldiers." I like to joke around with people here because all of their holidays seem to involve freedom or liberty or eagles or war or justice or apple pie or something, whereas in Canada all of our holidays are about the Queen. So I thought I'd write down all of the official federal holidays here and give you non-Americans some insight into what people here get to celebrate with a day off of work.

New Year's Day: start off the year with a holiday that's NOT about blowing shit up, but celebrate with fireworks anyway

Martin Luther King Jr. Day: honours a guy that fought for civil rights, but probably wouldn't be a holiday if he hadn't been shot

Lincoln Day: not a federal holidy, but observed with a day off in many states (including Massachusetts). This day also exists solely because somebody got shot...you might argue with this, but there's no Roosevelt day and he was every bit as kickass as Lincoln. Interesting to note that with stricter gun control laws, the US would already be down two holidays (MLK Jr. and Lincoln).

President's Day: a day to celebrate the birthday of George Washington, who is currently being described in ads for a TV miniseries as "America's first action hero." Made famous, of course, by blowing up the British.

Good Friday / Easter Monday: NOT a holiday in the US! The Americans miss out on a perfectly good opportunity to have a day off that doesn't involve shelling something.

Memorial Day: recognizes all of the fallen soldiers from all of the wars that the US has fought, originally conceived to honour (oops, honor) the civil war dead. This war, of course, started when they ran out of British to shoot and had to resort to shooting themselves.

Independence Day: a day that I like to refer to as "America Day", this is their second go-around at celebrating how much they blew up the British. Also celebrated with fireworks, to symbolize all of the blowing up that occured. Stands in contrast to Canada Day, which is also celebrated with fireworks for some reason, even though we got our independence from Britain by waiting 100 more years and then asking politely.

Labor Day: Not to be confused with LaboUr day in Canada, this holiday does not involve any kind of ammunition or assasination. 2nd such holiday in the year, it occurs in September.

Columbus Day: a celebration of the day that Europeans began their conquest of North America by shooting all of the natives. This holiday commemorates the first use of heavy weapons on the continent.

Veterans Day: seems somewhat similar to Memorial Day, and falls on the same day as Remembrance Day in Canada. Last holiday of the year that deals with blowing stuff up. In all seriousness, a very important holiday for every one of us.

Christmas: the third and final holiday that doesn't involve war or hydrogen bombs, but it takes the birth of the SON OF GOD HIMSELF to force this one onto the calendar. May have been replaced with "tank day" or "damn did we blow up the British good" day, barring this event.

Strange but true!!!

Alert Level Magenta! MAGENTA!

Boston, Massachusetts - May 6, 2006

UPDATE: As Spring continues it's insidious and unpredictable spread throughout New England, the U.S. government has raised the national Holy Shit level from Burnt Orange to Magenta. The colour-coded warning system is designed to provide citizens with an easy-to-understand assesment of exactly how terrified they should be on any given day, with the lowest level Paisley corresponding to "you are somewhat unlikely to be killed today, but double-bolt the doors and seal your house with plastic wrap just to be safe" and the highest level Eggshell corresponding to "immenent death and destruction, unless you elect a Republican." Magenta, the current level, indicates that "they could strike at any time, anywhere, with any weapon, but we don't know when, or where, or who they are, but it's really really bad."

This troubling development comes in response to a recent resurgence by Spring, which had been driven back amid a series of cold, depressing rain showers throughout Massachusetts and New Hampshire. Just two weeks ago, following his weekly grammar briefing and nap time, President Bush had gone on the air telling the world that Spring was "on the run", crediting the invasion of Iraq for the success against Spring. The President also linked the invasion to lower nation-wide circus ticket prices, a rise in the number of late-night Taco Bell drive thru locations, and an overall feeling of awesomeness that can only come from pouring hundreds of billions of dollars into the desert.

However with reality inconsiderately contradicting the President's statements that Spring would be "hunted down and brought to justice, Judge Judy style", the administration had no chance but to react with further measures. In addition to replacing the White House chief of staff, deputy chief of staff, press secretary, secretary of the treasury, and director of the CIA with a series of country singers, Texas BBQ chefs, and a rodeo clown, the President also instructed the Pentagon to draw up plans for air strikes on Belgium. The President's new press secretary, Mr. Goofy Shoes the Rodeo Clown, explained that "everyone knows Spring is being given safe haven in Belgium, which has a long and evil history of doing all kinds of bad and un-American things...like that time they started World War 2, or when they tried to beat usat olympic basketball." Apparently, economic and political sanctions were briefly considered to force Belgium to comply with demands to stop aiding and abetting the spread of Spring, but in the end the military option won out since it's way harder to make a Fox miniseries about sanctions.